I'm jealous of your bromance
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
