The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
