I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
