the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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