I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
