Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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