dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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