I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
