turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
