You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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