So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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