I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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