my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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