I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
