Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
