I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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