Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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