You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
