so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
