Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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