Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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