I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
