my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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