i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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