White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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