i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
