if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
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We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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