the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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