I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
