By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
