No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
