Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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