He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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