The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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