U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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