When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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