OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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