Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
