I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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