i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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