It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
