Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Can you repeat that, but with context?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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