I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
