the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
