So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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