so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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