Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
