things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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