Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
