i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
