i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
