the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
