Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
